I often feel like a cliche of  “A woman’s work is never done”.  Sometimes you just have to use your imagination, your naughty nature and other “aids” to spice up your life married or not. Divorce teaches us that marriage can never be sucessfull and I have to keep reminding myself that “Marriage” is only what you make of it just like ones sex life.

That being said I lived in a “lifeless” practically “sexless” marriage for many years. I had no patience or energy for my ex-spouse.  He simply did not meet my basic needs or make me feel desirable. I stopped being “on” in any capacity. I was bitter and angry deep down inside because of his constant abandonment of me and his wandering eye for other women.  In those last years, I made very little effort to care for him and had very little concern for what he needed.  I became very efficient at shutting down emotionally and physically. It was a sad way to live life.

The dilemma I have now is that I conditioned myself to be that way and I carry that baggage and old behaviours into my new relationship even though I try not to.  I’m much quicker to feel insecure or keep my distance emotionally in some ways. If we are not finding time for the other our relationship feels weak although in many ways I know it’s not. I am more invested in this current relationship than I have ever been in my entire life.  I love this man and would seriously feel like I lost a limb if I lost him.

For quite a while now he always refers to me as his “wife”.  He has been actively looking at engagement rings and talks about the long term, our future as a family and growing old together. I love him for it and here’s the hard part…it scares the shit out of me!  I have sincere mixed emotions about marriage.  I have only been technically divorced for a short time although my ex and I have been apart for quite a few years now. It was HELL to get that divorce and thousands spent on lawyers to get him to cooperate.  I spent almost two decades with that man and I can’t really recall what was positive about those years. It’s sad to make that kind of commitment and end up disliking pretty much everything about the other person when you literally “grew up” together.

When I first met my boyfriend and the father of my child, I think a huge part of me picked him because it was fun, easy and I could in many ways not be emotionally invested so that I didn’t get hurt.  The age difference helped with that.  I would just be the hot older woman who taught him a thing or two, had some laughs and some adventure. I was hugely open minded in many areas and just thought that if it gets too tough then I can walk and he could find himself some young thing to fulfill any of those “Cinderella endings” if he ever changed his mind and wanted that kind of life. It was simple for me in many ways and I was easygoing because in the back of my mind I had a life envisioned for myself and it meant that I wouldn’t “settle” down for quite a long time.

If I did desire a long term relationship and partner to grow old with I had criteria.  An older guy who had lived his life, played and worked hard, had fulfilled most of his sexual adventures, had his fill of different women and was willing to live a life of simplicity with some good consistent sex thrown in for good measure. He would not get bored of only one woman because he had “been there done that”. He would happily enjoy coasting to the finish line of life without a lot of the stress of being young and the ”Is the grass greener, mowed more enticingly on the other side?” mentality. We could travel, have a small home and just enjoy the company of the other. 

I agreed to date the younger man after his sweet sense of pursuing and playing because it was good for my self esteem. I didn’t have a lot of that left after being so under appreciated by my ex. I was lusty, sexy and more aggressive than I had ever been. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. It was so hot and we had sex everyday for the first year and a bit. I didn’t leave because it was so much fun, but I did have it in the back of my head that if got too hard or too much effort than leaving was an option. I would be sad, but I wouldn’t be so emotionally invested that it would be such a devastating loss or the baggage of a divorce.  The universe had other plans for me… I unexpectedly got pregnant and everything changed. It’s no longer just about what I want, but about what she needs.

My boyfriend and I were on the same page when we met…no kids, no marriage (I had done my time in a bad marriage…NO WAY was I going there again.) I supposedly couldn’t have kids so that was easy. Now that we are parents, have a house together, etc., my boyfriend has changed so much and tells me what it important to him is us being committed to being a family and his daughter having both her parents available to her for the rest of her life.  Marriage is a natural step to take to ensure that.  Marriage in his opinion is a statement to the world and our daughter that we love each other and are committed to our future. Sometimes when we talk about it, he is almost too practical in his view.

I think for me after a long difficult divorce, I naturally have it in my head that marriage means pain.  It means financial loss, emotional instability, and having to be “domestic” in the sense that you give up who you are and your needs. The excitement goes. The connection to the other person wanes and the desire to hold that person in high regard gets lost in the daily “domestic” realities of life. It’s not healthy. I’m not healthy in that sense.

It took me many years to realize that I’m a VERY sexual and physical person.  I feel much more secure when I’m curled up naked beside my man and we have both had a good orgasm. My sex life is really good for the most part and he still excites me by just looking at me. I can still masturbate thinking about him cuming. To me it’s one of the hottest visuals I have in my head…his pleasure, his voice, his touch.   He puts in effort to do little things like buy me flowers or tell me I look nice when I’ve got my hair in a pony tail and sweat pants on. He sincerely tries to make me feel loved and wanted.  But sometimes he can be hurtful without realizing it. His “practical” view on things leaves me a little cold at times.  I’ve discovered that although I’ve got the sex drive of a man…I’m also still a “girl” craving the crazy passion of being madly in love. The day to day grind sometimes takes away from that “thrill” of being with the other. As most men do, he doesn’t always think before he speaks and as all people do in relationships we take our frustrations, our lack of sleep, or stress out on the ones we are closest to. 

Unfortunately,  because of my messed up experience of marriage, regardless of what he says there is a part of me that just believes he’s only saying it and that I’m not going to be able to keep him happy.  I’m not sure how to change it. I want to change it and I am aware this negative thinking will damage my current relationship if I continue to wonder if the worst is around the corner.

This is a challenging place I find myself in now.  Leaving is not an option and he is very sure of that in himself. This is the life we have been handed and it’s important we work through our challenges as a couple to keep our family intact. Our daughter needs us both.  That being said…I promised myself I would never get married out of necessity and I want to be married because I’m wanted, loved and that person also feels like he would lose a part of himself if he lost me. I sometimes wonder if that is the thought process for my boyfriend. Does he want to marry me because he appreciates all that I bring to the table, or is marriage about doing the “right” thing? He’s never been married…so perhaps in his mind it’s just something that people do because they have commitments together?

His excitement and seriousness about it all has a weird effect on me. One minute I’m sort of excited by the thought and the next I’m ready to run for the hills.  What if he proposes, I say yes and we are getting divorced in five years? I’m not sure I could get through that kind of experience again. What if we stop desiring the other? I’m older…my body is not what it was when we first met having now had a few health crisis’s and a birth of a baby. How do I change these insecurities of being a woman who was not wanted or needed previously?

I’m trying to live in the moment, enjoy the day, and find the beautiful I still am.  I’ve lost most of the baby weight minus a few pounds. My body is not perfect but I try and focus on what I like. My breasts have become a surprisingly firm D cup from nurturing my child and becoming more womanly. I won’t focus on the fact that my tummy is not as firm or that my ass is a little lower than it used to be thanks to gravity. I love to kiss him with my full lips, tease him with my soft hands and connect with my inner naughty girl.  In the beginning of our relationship, this was more of a natural state for me. I automatically felt sexy around him. Now it sometimes takes more of an effort and something I have to be more conscious of.  My desire for sex is as strong as ever, my sense of adventure and naughty nature still alive but I have to work at it.

So this year for Halloween…I’ve got a very hot school girl costume that only he is going to see. :-)  He never had a lot of sex in high school, in fact he didn’t lose his virginity until he was “legal” and I think it’s something he kind of wishes he had explored more. So…he’s going to get what he wants. LOL.  I know he loves that wicked side of me who will be silly, sexy and willing to play. We will both laugh and the sex will be fantastic. And it’s these small things that will keep us alive, connected, fun and a little different from the norm of “let’s do this I need sleep”.

Maybe I will feel more like my old self again and it will remind me that I’m worth asking to marry.

Deep down, I know he is worth saying “yes” to.

So much has changed and yet remained the same. The joy of my life has gone from baby to toddler and it’s been an amazing process to watch.  She is just beautiful and I am blessed to have her. Walking, talking, throwing tantrums, laughing, smiling and making me grateful everyday for my life. 

I was recently ill and had a major surgery where I couldn’t take care of her for a little while. I’m on the mend now, but it was a difficult time.  I had to let her go into the care of someone else during the day while I recovered.  It broke my heart to stop breastfeeding and spending my days with her doing the simplest things. In those short few months since she has become a different person.  At first, she didn’t understand what was going on and how do you tell a little child that you can’t pick her up the way you did and you can’t care for her the way you want? That was harder than the physical ordeal. I felt at loss, like I had misplaced my sense of direction because for 15 months I was her primary caregiver and she filled my day with such happiness. However,  I never realized that someone so small had such a capacity to understand and she was angry at me.  She sensed and she knew that something wasn’t right with her mama and it left her confused. 

Now that she’s gotten used to being in daycare and I have had time to get back on my feet, she’s all my “baby” again. Soon I will be able to have her home part of the time and now that she’s used to being around other kids and without me, I will return to work. Yet each day, no matter what Im doing or where I am at, I think of her and how she is. My priorities have shifted in life. The career I worked so hard for doesn’t hold the same meaning.  The time I spent “living out my dreams” seem irrelevant.  Now, I live for the time I spend with her and the time I spend with my man as a family.  There is no greater gift or purpose in life but to have those things. 

It has been a scary time and I wondered how they would do if I  wasn’t here or worse broken down physically? I had some serious fear issues and worried that I was a burden or would become one, that I would get left or have to leave.  Old tapes playing in my head that I was not ”worthy” of unconditional love.  I wondered to myself that if the worst case scenario happened could I let them go and push them in a direction where someone else could love them as much as I do?  I did not want them to live a limited life. I wanted my daughter to have both parents strong and healthy, able to run, play and have the adventures instead of having to care for her “mama”.

It’s a strange place to visit….coming to terms and understanding how in love you are with the people in your life that you would be willing to do what’s right for them and not necessarily for yourself. That who you were and who you have become are so very different from what you thought you might be.  I understood in those dark thoughts that I was truly a parent. I could sacrifice anything for her well-being and happiness.  I also realized even more how much I adore the man I’m with.  He has stood by me with some difficult times. always stepping up and taking care of what needs to be done.  He is so different from my old life and my ex.  So much more giving and patient, willing to sacrifice some of what he might need to be with me.  I never want to lose this life I’m in now. In my old life all I wanted to do was run away. I would have been grateful to die as I was already dying inside with a abusive husband and superficial people surrounding me. It took me so much to get out and even more to let someone else in.  Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments when the old tapes play in my head and I struggle…but then I remember, I’m not that girl anymore in the most important ways.

I watched the relationship between father and daughter become even more involved because they needed each other.  She had to come to him for what she wanted and he had to learn that her needs came first before all others.  She’s learned to trust men. That is what a father figure is supposed to provide. He has grown into that role in a way that makes me stand back and look at him with awe….much how he has looked at me since I was pregnant with her.  Your instincts just kick in, even if it is an adjustment. It has been beautiful to see shift.  He has been more the “Mama” in the past few months, cooking, cleaning, holding her and they are bonded tighter than ever. Now that I’m getting well, the dynamics of the family relationship have changed.  We are more equal as parents and she is more secure in gaining her independence because she has two loving parents there to catch her when she falls.  We both realize that is the most important job in the world and regardless of what life may throw at us, we will always strive to remain intact as a unit because it’s better that way for everyone.  No one can replace me and no one will ever replace them for me.

Sometimes I think that life challenges us so that we can “see” what we have.  Im glad to be here today and grateful to have a place where I can share these innermost thoughts. Regardless of who reads or who comments, this is my life and it’s been pretty darn interesting and full thus far.

You will indeed find out who your true friends are.  You will suddenly feel a little lost because of the family factor…meaning you spent a good portion of your life being a part of his/her family at holidays and everyday life.  There is no preparation for the backlash you will receive from other people. Some will abandon you and discard you as if you never existed, simply because they must. Some will surprise you by their support and their thoughts on the subject. Some are tied to the other spouse more than they were you or simply will have to choose sides.  It was easy for some in my case because we had no children (Thank GOD!), so there wasn’t a commitment to have to communicate with the other.  As a parent you must choose your child’s side.  You are their support by blood.  Family is supposed to be a soft place to fall and the people you know you can rely on regardless of your mistakes.

I did spend one afternoon with my ex’s family in the end. The only recognition I received that their son had wronged me in our life together was her statement that she didn’t understand how he could move in with another woman 3 months after we had been together for our whole lives.  I simply replied to her “because he was never here”.  It was the only conversation we needed to have and I know that somewhere deep down inside she knows that it wasn’t all me. They can say whatever they want to give him support, but I know  I lived my whole marriage knowing he was not emotionally committed to me.  As much as he would like to think he was, it was very superficial…financial, material possessions, etc.  It destroyed my worth to know that he had it in his heart to stay married to me while he kept himself on the market and kept looking for that “one”.  He eventually found her and I honestly hope it has changed him to be a better man to her than he ever was to me.

I was no pinic myself.  I raged at him, constantly felt insecure and didn’t trust his whereabouts or his motives. I was always on the alert for a lie. I’m not proud of myself and how I handled the end of my marriage.  I was angry and  I sincerely hated him at times.   I had an emotional affair for the last  few years of our marriage together because I felt like I had no one. I mean I felt like I had NO one.  It was easy for me to use the excuse that he was a cheater, so why couldn’t I pay him back?  What’s that saying? Two wrongs dont make a right?

I felt abandoned, by everyone, including myself. I was ashamed and I couldn’t explain what was really going on to very many people.  For the most part, people thought we were a great couple together…because on the outside we were, it was what we presented.  Inside the marriage though there was no trust.  Over the years he had affairs, ads on sex sites, personal sites, etc. Some of it came to the surface..people he worked with for example, questioned him and would make comments.  At one point even his own family had known about at least one affair.  Again, I was ashamed.  His own family helped convince me that I would be in the wrong if I didn’t forgive him.  Marriage was a committment you didn’t take lightly. Lot’s of men had other women in history and afteralll…it was my fault to a degree wasnt it? Surely, I was not satisfying him somehow?  I had to work harder, not be so selfish.

It was awful for me and I walked around with a hole in my heart. The more I found out, the more numb I would become. I just chose to ignore things because I believed that somehow if I just fixed something about me then he would love me enough to change his ways.  It wasn’t until I had the support of someone else (the other man who I shared an online and phone relationship with for over two years),  went to marriage and private counseling and started to see myself without him, that I realized that although I had failed, he had certainly failed me and we both deserved better. The more support I had, the less cooperative and loving I became. My rage took over and I tried to make him feel insignificant, because that is what I felt around him.  

However instead of feeling like a failure, all it did was empower him to do the things he wanted to do.  The marriage counsler confirmed to me that he would never for the rest of his life be responsible for any of it,  because that is not who he is and I could be in his face, beg, plead,cry and change every aspect of who I was, the bottom line was….my husband did not love me.  More importantly, he did not have any respect for me and never had and you can not build a relationship of any sort without respect.

The thing is when you’re a marriage is that bad, you tend to surround yourself around people who are not supportive as well, people who you can keep on a superficial level.  People that unbelievably feed into your lack of self-worth. When you start to move into something healthier and you start to treat yourself with some respect, you also begin to realize that you need something more, something different.

I think I went through  a mourning period when I came to the realization that there would be people who I had in my life that I no longer wanted to put the effort in with.  I didn’t really see how they would fit when it came to spending time with my daughter. They didn’t want to accept my new boyfriend because they were “accustomed” to my ex. It was weird for me.  It was sad for me, because these were the people I had shared most of my adult life with. Alot of people just dumped us both, but as I mentioned some just blatently took sides.  I got my “split” of the friends and he got his, like another possesion. Weird.

The hardest one though, turned out to be one of my closest friends.  In fact she had been supportive of me having a the relationship with the other man.  She wanted to hear the details, she picked up the long distance calling cards for me when I couldn’t.  Needless to say it came as quite a shock to me when in the end she started to take my ex’s side. Telling me that it wasn’t fair to take anything financially from him as far as a settlement.  Telling me that I did my part so I should just let him go and to keep what he wanted, which included the house. Her husband was divorcing her at the same time and she was opting take next to nothing, so she expected the same from me.  She didn’t want her husband to divorce her.  I guess you stick up for the people you can relate too and I told her that in the end.  She was cut from the same cloth as my ex husband…they had a lot in common and  I had finally seen her for the person she was as well. I knew that there was no longer any room for her.  She has since tried to text and talk to me.  I have ignored her.  It was almost easy. It was the right choice. 

You have no idea the pain I felt in that moment though,  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I couldn’t believe that this “friend” who had seen my tears, heard about his affairs, driven me to a hotel herself when I needed to get away from home because it was so bad could turn on me in such a way. Then it dawned on me…she had affairs in her marriage, her attitude about me getting involved with another man was so inconsequential to her, and perhaps even…perhaps she had been involved with my husband at some point.  I will never know.

Recently, I heard from my ex. He was gloating that she had sent him the conversation I had with her in regards to this…he was vindicated because of course he doesn’t want to be paying me anything.  It hurts, of course it does.  The hole in my heart got a little bigger, but then I realized that it’s simply not important.  These losses are good, the reminders of what I used to be surrounded by and what I have now, because my life is mine for the first time in two decades and I could not have gained anything more important than my freedom from this sadness I had lived.  

 I held my daughter this morning, looked around my beautiful home (which is substantially bigger and nicer than the home my ex got to keep) and listened to the voice of my new love at lunch hour when he called to check in on us and realized; with every loss there is something to be gained. Life goes on and tomorrow we have plans to hang out with our mommies group, next week I have two more “dates” with friends and my life because fuller as each day passes.  I have new people who are not people who want to beat me down or tell me I’m not anything without them.  

Those words still ring in my head…”you are nothing without me”.  My ex really beleived that.   My ex friend told me that I wasn’t a very good friend either.  Maybe I wasn’t.  Maybe I was not much of anything besides dysfunction and drama when I was around them, because that is what I was surrounded by. 

Today I am someones mommy, someones wife for all intents and purposes, a good friend, a solid person who has respect and more importantly demands respect. I may have lost  almost everything, but I can say,  It was the best thing that ever happened to me. One day that small part of me that still mourns and gets confused as to the “why did I deserve that?” will let go of that as well.

The best revenge I can have is to live my life better than I even ever wished for myself.

I get that guys have to be guys and even find some sense of haha in the lewdness and crudeness of my male friends.  In fact, I’ve been known to say something politically incorrect out of left field myself.  You have to be pretty thick-skinned to hang out with biker dudes. I shrug off the comments about my breasts and will usually retort with something equally as harassing. It’s all part of the banter and not taken seriously. In fact, if someone isn’t making a comment, it’s almost insulting and can be quite fun! It’s called having a sick sense of humour.   I’m only a feminist in the sense that “any girl can do what a guy can do and deserves equal rights”, but I’m not a prude.  I don’t really hang out with a lot of women that are.  Life is too short too be taken seriously.  Also, If I think a woman is hot, I’m sometimes the first one to notice her and make a comment about her attributes. I appreciate my sex,  but I do think women can be over objectified in our society and there is way too much easy access to illicit things and as a result, Sex addiction is much easier than it used to be. Actually, Sex addiction is more acceptable than it used to be.

Anyways,  because I’m a pretty easygoing person, it came with some surprise when I reacted the way I did to my buddy’s story about hiring a hooker for one of his pals Stag Party. Here’s some background; The groom had been with the same woman for a number of years and had proposed completely with the intent of “death do us part faithful all the way”.  He had always  been in love/lust with her, but believed, with some assurance by his buddies, that on your stag night, all bets are off and that you get a ”free pass” to do with what you will.  The attitude of this group is that you cut loose, in every sense of the word..nothing wrong with a little sex, booze and rock and roll.

How it came about is the groom casually/half jokingly mentioned to his buddy that he might like a hooker instead of a stripper (hardy har har) and so they got him one.  He didn’t actually “fuck”, but he did receive oral pleasure and lot’s of attention.  Does this constitute as cheating? Who is responsible here…the buddy who got him the hooker or the guy who received the blow job? Both?  As a male, would you get a pal a hooker for his Stag if you knew his wife well and had been friends with her for years? As the wife, would you annul or divorce your husband if you found out after the fact?  Would you be pissed at your “buddy” if she found out?

My response was simple; “Why would you encourage your buddy to cheat like that?”.  He became defensive and my Cool Chick status went out the window.   He raised his voice and said firmly ”It’s not cheating!  Every guy has done it at his Stag, I can guarantee not one guy out there hasn’t had some kind of sexual encounter on his stag night.  It’s a right of passage. So I asked him, if his wife had slept with another man before the wedding would he consider it cheating and his response was “if I didn’t know about it, it doesn’t bother me.”  I asked “If  she did it now that they had a family, would he feel the same way?”   He hesitated and said that now it was different because they were married, but in any case he wouldn’t want to know so that they could remain a family and be together to raise their children. Interesting…the groom in the story was also about to become a father and he knew his wife to be was expecting.

Here’s my definition of cheating: “Doing something that you can not tell your spouse about that may harm, hinder or dissolve the relationship”.  Heres my attitude about having sex when you’re in a relationship with other “people”:  If you’re consenting adults, there are some ground rules and everyone is aware of what is going on without ill intent or secrecy, aka..you choose to have threesome, then have a great time and don’t ever use it as amino in a fight. I’m very open-minded and when my partner and I were talking about this, I explained to him that if we decide to get married at some point that I would really appreciate he didn’t stick his parts into some other woman’s crack of that kind of “caliber”.  Honestly, if my partner needed to do something like that I would need to know about it, assess the situation, decide if this was something that would add to our sex life as a couple and then have some say in who  the “other” person was.  So far, in the relationship I’m in, there has never been a need for another person to participate, although,  certainly it can add to a fantasy. Some people will agree that some things are also better left “fantasy”.

I’m fortunate, where I have found someone who I communicate quite freely about what we are curious about.  He was a little surprised when I wanted to go to a very elite, outrageously expensive gentleman’s club to watch the female entertainment together.  I heard that this place was sought after by upperclass society, celebrities, politicians, etc..so my curiously was even more peaked.  It was very posh and not a place where everyone could afford to go on a friday night for a few beers and to look at some T&A. The female owner has quite a story about how she opted to get into the business having been raised in a very religious family, so I was fascinated by her as well. I had read about her in the paper and a few of my male friends had raved about the exsquisite type of woman who worked there.

When we arrived, I was not at all surprised to find that a third of the clientage where couples and groups of woman together to check it out for themselves.   You had to take a private elevator and they took your ID when you entered the premises to protect everyone.  To reserve our table was a cool $200, drinks were $20 each and the half hour of  lap dance/conversation we enjoyed with two girls was another whopping $300 plus tip. I had never done anything like that before and I found it entertaining, because afterall that is what these girls do…”entertain”.  The girls that we had dancing for us were smart, educated girls…one was supporting herself and her child while she finished University.  I had a friend who did the same thing and was able to go on and create a better life for herself because she used her exceptional looks to her advantage when she was younger.  I don’t think that is anything to be ashamed of or judged for.  Would I do it? Probably not because that’s not me, but to each their own.  Women deserve respect, period.

Anyways, my buddy didn’t understand how I could go to a club like that, but find it inappropriate for his buddy to get a hooker on his Stag night. He thought I was being a hypocrite and I asked him why a woman is a hypocrite if she allows her man to explore sexually in some ways but not all?   Shouldn’t her comfort level be taken into consideration?  Why do men feel the need to push the limits all the way?  “Well you let me watch strippers, why not a hooker? ” That’s like asking me, “Well you let me drink beers with the boys, why can’t I snort Cocaine or smoke some Crack?”. It’s simple. There are different negative effects with different actions. In the case of the blow job…it is an intimate act shared between two people. A stripper, in my opinion is entertaining you in a sexual way where little intimacy is involved.  

Therefore,  if my partner had thrown the girl who was giving us the dance in the booth and had his way with her or inappropriately touched her, I would have had something to say about it and probably not so nicely.   If I get married again, my hubby can have a hundred women shake and jiggle in front of him if he likes,  but  he better not be putting anything where it doesn’t belong unless we have agreed to that.  It somewhat makes my skin crawl to think I’m making love to my man on my honeymoon only just days after he has had his hands and mouth all over another womans body and she has been with a hundred men or more before him. Part of being in a relationship is taking your spouse into consideration and it is just inconsiderate to not think about the other persons feelings or emotions in those kinds of situations. Sexual exploration should not be an emotionally traumatizing thing. My own explorations have simply been experiences and something that today I could take or leave. In fact, I think men can get awfully hung up with “Was I good? Did I satisfy?”  and women are more relaxed in some situations. In any case, there was little emotional entanglement involved, certainly no intent of marriage, children or financial ties with a partner when I was exploring.

As far as the groom, well his secret is safe, although it disturbs me to know that about him. Really, I would have rather not.  I highly doubt his wife would divorce him, but I’m pretty certain she wouldn’t be happy with him.  As it stands today they have a great relationship and a happy family and to my knowledge he is not a chronic cheater.  Still…he cheated once and that in my book gives him the ability to do it again if the right circumstance and reason came along. I think the words “Right of Passage” are a weak excuse and not very respectable.  I know for me, that scenario would be a deal breaker. My answer to the question, would I annul or divorce…more than likely. It wouldn’t be the act itself that upset me, it would be that I was not being treated with the respect of having my partner be honest with me and give me a choice.  Afterall…whoever he conducts himself with sexually, I am in a roundabout way conducting myself with as well.  Hookers in my opinion are a health risk and I have a child to think about. I hope/think my partner would do the same.

As far as my male friend?  I think we have a bit of different view on the other now and it doesn’t really matter if he feels a little judged, I still think I’m a pretty laid back person.

I technically had the freedom to do the things I wanted when I wanted and had my opportunity to play. I had bought toys for myself (the motorbike), lived some adventure in my travels,slept outside under the stars, stayed up all night and played video games, had sex for days straight and eaten cake in bed.  I showered everyday and took time to ”do” my envious amount of thick long hair, always looking somewhat put together. I was rarely frazzled or unorganized, but I relished those days of sleeping till noon if I needed to and my couch potato moments.  I had all kinds of freedom and used it. I would even go so far to say that I could be slightly selfish and had no problem of putting myself first as I got older.  I made time for exercise, spent too much money on a good bottle of wine and usually bought what I wanted when I wanted it.  Even though a lot of my life I struggled in other areas, when it came to being grateful for being able to live a certain lifestyle; I was happy and content.

Everyone expected me to be be calm and serene when I found out I was pregnant, but the truth was giving up my the routines and comforts of “normal” was scary for me. My anxiety showed.  People wondered why I was so cautious and timid in my excitement.  The truth was…  I was thrilled in so many ways because she is such a miracle, but I was also uncertain of what the future may hold and everybody out there has a story to tell about their trials and tribulations of this club called parenthood. I wondered, to be honest, if I was too “Selfish”.  Afterall I was set in my ways.

In the birth classes, the instructor (who appeared to be one of the most confident and stable people I have ever met) talked about her  battle with postpartum depression after each birth of her children.  It was so severe that she ended up being hospitalized more than once and she really felt like she had not nothing to offer her children. Her thoughts were dark and depressing, it  was horrible to hear and we couldn’t believe it because she seemed so well-adjusted and put together!  Suddenly I was gaining some insight into those horrific stories we read in the paper of children being neglected and having to removed from a home.  We recently had a story of woman being found with her three babies under three…all of them deceased, including the mother. I was livid when I first read it, but now I can see “how” it can happen.  When I wasn’t a parent, I had little compassion…I mean I was no “Tom Cruise bashing Brooke Shields” and her postpartum story, but I really didn’t understand how a person was affected.

Obviously, we listened to what was going on from the instructor and did some reading of the subject on our own because we wanted to be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows of hormones and lack of sleep. We both kept telling ourselves “we can do this!”.  It wouldn’t be that difficult for us right? Afterall, we are both fun-loving, lighthearted people who had a previous life before children…it wasn’t like we were twenty and just coming out of our parents homes to become parents ourselves.  We would have no reasons to feel like we were missing out on anything!

Let me tell you that no amount of reading and advice from anyone is going to prepare you.  First of all (and you know this if you have had a child) the act of Labour itself is taxing…I slept approximately five hours in seven days from the onset of labour till a couple of days after my daughter was born.  I had other circumstances that didn’t help with the sleep process, but when people say you give up sleep, they literally mean you give up sleep.  In those first few months when my little bundle of joy was colicky and screaming her head off for hours; the tears would just pour out of me…usually without sound.  I was so fatigued. It was distressing to my partner because he didn’t recognize me.  I am not an overly emotional person most of the time and have a great sense of humour, but that person literally disappeared and of course he was battling his own issues with the changes.

I felt out of control. Alien in my own body (we can talk about the weight gain and body functions later…maybe much later. ).  I would nod off during breastfeeding and wake up ten minutes later with my child staring lovingly up at me while she suckled, shocked and  feeling distressed that I was a bad mom and had passed out with my child in my arms.  OMG! What if she had fallen?! What if I rolled over on her in bed! and yet…I was refreshed by those ten min cat naps and I felt GUILTY!   There were times, and still are, that I would just hold her and stare into her little face and feel completely helpless to help her.  It’s not a pleasant feeling at all and to be honest when my partner would give me a reprieve and take her from me, I always felt relief and all I wanted to do was escape.  I was simply overwhelmed.

One thing I hung onto during the really difficult first moments of adjusting my life to all these drastic changes was that it was “NORMAL” to mourn your freedom a little.  Most people don’t talk about it and some people are even judgemental…god knows I was previously. When I saw a mother rushing, looking dazed and confused and a complete physical wreck with her hair thrown in a ponytail and spit up on her shirt, I would think….”pull it together! How hard can it be?!” HA!!!  Now I’m that mom some days saying the same thing to her reflection in the mirror. It can be hard, but I must do it in order to feel somewhat normal.

It’s gotten easier as time has gone on, the bigger my daughter gets, the more she can entertain herself on an activity mat, or in a bouncy seat or just hanging out in the bathroom while her mom showers and blow dries her hair. Most of hours of the day are spent entertaining, cuddling and teaching her, but life has to go on as well, so you have to find a way to accomodate the basics. I took that freedom to do the basics for granted and now I must do all my activities with the knowledge that when she cries and needs me, everything stops. I’m learning not to put too much pressure on myself as  far as schedules.  Being a parent, you automatically become better organized at juggling your day and the things that have to get done. You become even more relaxed about not getting everything done in a day. Tomorrow is another day has to become a mantra.

I’m coping well now for the most part , but I mentioned my partner having a bit of his own baby blues as well and so that has added to the challenge.  It’s not something that is really talked about and men are really good at hiding their feelings. In those first weeks, I was really lucky to have my partner home and we shared the responsiblity 24/7.  We were both up at all hours of the day, his job was simple…to take care of me, bring me supplies, hold the baby, change the baby, feed me, fold laundry, tidy the house, etc.,  as required.  He was a trooper and we bonded even more as a result. I appreciated everything he did and he adored both his daughter and I. It was a wonderful experience in so many ways, that time spent together as a family, but then just as we were getting used to it and well into the second month, he had to go back to work.

Now,  it has gotten harder for him a different way…he’s not used to her vocalizing her needs as much. He’s got new pressures and responsibilities of day-to-day on his mind.  He’s wanting to have a few hours for himself on the weekends…and oh how he wants to sleep.  He will the be the macho man and say “I don’t need sleep”, but let me tell you, he’s a sleeper and a mess if he doesn’t get enough of it.  He never complains and he never balks at his responsibilities.  If I need him, he continues to be  there without hesitation, but sometimes he has a hard time saying that he needs something as well and it’s not a good thing for either of us.

So, I’ve started to take it upon myself to get out the house with her consistently so that when he comes home he can take a nap, or just watch an hour of tv in private. He gets off work earlier in the day, so that helps with this remedy.  I’ve encouraged him over the past while to reconnect with some of his male friends, even going so far as telling a few of his friends to get him out of my hair.   I need space too you know? It’s been interesting to see that the more he’s doing to take care of himself, the more he is becoming that person he was before our little bundle of joy.  He is in a happier place and recently said to me…” I didn’t realize how much I was mourning my freedom”. I realized it and it was more worrisome than he knows. I realized it because I was going through the exact same thing.  I was missing a whole lot of my old life.

One thing that my age has brought me, I would like to believe, is wisdom and my inner voice knows how important finding balance is.  I know without doubt that it is not selfish or narcissistic  to need time for one’s self. It is not bad parenting to take care of your own body and mind.  I don’t think my freedom is gone and lost, I think it’s just a different definition. I incorporate my freedom into my mind; I do it when I grocery shop, get gas, go for a walk, or take her for a car ride.  It’s different from what it used to be, but everyday you adjust and you find that you start to enjoy some of those responsibilities in a different way. I especially enjoy when people stop to talk about her and how beautiful she is and she giggles at something unexpectedly. It is those moments that are freeing.

I would describe freedom and parenthood as something that you get by asking for help, by being healthy in yourself, by putting in the effort to do the things you need to do and making new choices that include your child.  Everything isn’t nearly as difficult when you change your point of view and still accept the person you are. Occasionally, I sleep in a little because I get that help, or I go for a ride, take a hot bath, eat cake, etc.  We are striking a new balance and we are putting in the effort to be individuals as well as to connect with the other.

Sometimes that connection happens at at three in the morning, once we get her settled and meld into each other for  just a few exhausted moments, reminding the other of how we got into this predicament in the first place.

Finding the balance is what will keep us together as happy parents.

Ah..a crying baby waking from naptime…there goes the freedom for now.

While I may not be a “legend”….Im definately noteworthy! LOL!  You know I wouldn’t have made my official comeback to blogging, if I didn’t post something about my passionate affair with my Motorcycle.  I have not had the opportunity to ride much lately and I missed last season because I was pregnant, but it sits in my garage and is calling me.  Im getting messages about people passing through town or going for a ride and I feel the road calling….

I think this song describes a lot about me…I don’t ride a Harley, nor do I have blond hair, but close enough.

\”Urban Ledgend\”

There is nothing like a good education and the open road is a great teacher.

Things My Motorcycle Has Taught Me
 

The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.

I’d rather be riding my motorcycle and thinking about God,
than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle.

Four wheels move the body; two wheels move the soul.

Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handlebars to
the saddle.

Life may begin at 30, but it doesn’t get real interesting until about 60 mph!

You start the game of life with a full pot o’ luck and an empty pot o’
experience. The object is to fill the pot of experience before you empty the pot of luck.

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.

Midnight bugs taste just as bad as Noon time bugs.

Sometimes it takes a whole tank full of gas before you can think straight.

Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you’ll ride alone.

Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town.

Never do less than forty miles before breakfast.

A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.

Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived, and
still rides.

Young riders pick a destination and go. Old riders pick a direction and go.

There are drunk riders and there are old riders, but there are not many old,
drunk riders.

Ride to work. Work to ride.

Whatever it is, it’s better in the wind.

Two-lane blacktop isn’t a highway – it’s an attitude.

Keep your bike in good repair. Motorcycle boots are not all that comfortable for
walking.

When you’re riding lead, don’t spit.

Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary.

There’s something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer

Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don’t. Some can’t.

If you can’t get it going with bungee cords and duct tape, it’s serious.

If you ride like there’s no tomorrow, there may not be.

You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze.

Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.

There are two types of people in this world,
people who ride motorcycles and people who wish they could ride

Here is something that I wrote a long while back.

Stolen Moments

“Have you missed me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me?”

“Yes…I…”

“Shhhhhhhhhh.”

He is standing behind her, his body pressed firmly along her back, holding her in place. She can not move or maneuver away from him. Her slender hips are forced up against the pedestal sink. She can see his reflection in the oval mirror, his brown eyes as dark and seductive as ever. A smile plays upon his face and his breath is heavy upon her ear. Involuntarily, she shivers as his moist lips trail kisses on the back of her neck. She is excited, frightened that they will get caught as the guests in the other room laugh in unison at something funny.

“I think we…”

“Hmmm, no talking my love”

The sounds of the party becomes muffled and her pulse pounds in her ears as she is made more aware of the erection that pushes harder against her buttocks. Carefully and skillfully he unbuttons a few more buttons on the cotton blouse, exposing her flesh to the cool air around them.  Her palms grow moist, her breathing more unsteady by his touch. She is flushed, warm and his hand is soft and inviting as it searches for a place to settle.  A small sigh escapes her as he pushes at the weight of her breast, letting the nipple peek out between his fingers, then squeezing again. A touch and technique that is familiar.

“I’ve missed you, it’s been to long.”  His voice is gruff, thick with emotion. Moisture spring to her eyes. She can hear his need and is flooded with memories from other times.

He keeps pulling, tantalizing, kneading her breast as his other hand travels up her thigh.  She watches, entranced as his fingers splay, crawl like a spider, weaving slowly along her tanned skin. She lifts her skirt so they both get a better view. He watches her watch him and he slides his hand under the soft fabric of her red panties. Contact. She thrusts forward in response, crushing his fingers on her clitoris. The pleasure of pressure is hard and intense up against the edge of the porcelain. She begins to grind, a rhythmic dance of friction and her hips sway back and forth.

“That’s my girl….”

She turns her head just enough so that he can kiss her. She aches for his mouth now and his lips are tender and full. His tongue reaches out, grazes her teeth, probing deeper and the tempo increases at her groin. They groan into each other and she tries to reach behind her, fumbling with the button on his jeans. Her panties are soaked, liquid slides down her inner thigh.

“Please….hurry.”  She wants what she wants.

He releases her and pulls back in a swift movement, unbuttoning his jeans, letting them slide to his knees. Without the constraint of underwear, his member is seeking, throbbing, the head crimson and slick.  He is gazing intently at their reflection; her skirt is over her hips, her one breast firm and full, spilling over her bra. Layered wisps of brown hair fall forward covering one of her blue eyes. The look on her face is raw and animalistic as she pulls aside the barrier that stands between them, backing herself into him.

He slides himself down the crack between her cheeks, teasing her. She thrusts back, hot, pulsing, eager for him to enter.  He does not give in immediately. Prolonging the moments of anticipation; he starts slowly, rubbing himself over the swollen lips, back up to the top of her opening, affording himself a different view of himself as he pushes into her.

She stops moving, her legs become wobbly and she rubs herself harder, ferocious and fast, his hand reaches forward, covers hers and helps her pleasure to build.  She whimpers and the first waves of orgasm start their motion. He slides all of himself in, his balls gently slapping with each stroke and she comes hard, fierce.  He has to hold her weight as she starts to buckle with the exertion, impaling her, supporting her with only a portion of his anatomy.

“Your beautiful”

He can see the silent tears rolling down her cheeks and he knows in that moment she is his still, belongs to him, only him.  He can hear her husbands voice in the other room and the excitement, the danger is too much.  His own climax begins to burst releasing his contentment inside of her, a sense of calm engulfs and encloses him.

“Te amo” he whispers.

First let me start off by saying that I did receive a few private emails of congratulations and messages here and thank you so much for your warm wishes and thoughts.  Life has indeed been exceptionally busy since I last posted. I’m sorry if I have not responded to you and now I’m having trouble getting into my email…so I’m going to try to figure something else out and hopefully you will be able to catch up here.

Things are exceptionally different since I first started blogging a few years back as Always That Girl. Then my life was turmoil of mixed emotions and little faith that people belong together. I wrote a lot about sex…how I lacked that human connection, felt I had missed out and  craved it.  I channelled that energy in writing and creativity and shared much of it here through short stories and fantasies.  I spoke about how I learned that sex is a “HUGE” part of a healthy relationship and how every person needs to feel wanted.  This hunger, if you will, led me down a difficult path in my life. When I wrote that original blog,  I was at the end of dead-end marriage with a man who was heavily involved with another woman and a chronic cheater throughout my relationship with him.  In the final months of disintegration, which many of you read about, I also found myself in the  throes of a relationship with another man who had been haunting my marriage for an awful long time, but we never spent any time together until  I was sure I wanted my marriage to be done. 

This other man,  as I referred to him in my blog,  led me to believe that he was the  elusive “one” because he stuck it out for so long and would not let go…he still lurks on the outskirts of my life and in some ways I’m still compelled and drawn to him, but it’s with a much clearer understanding of what he really is to me.  He is aware of all the changes in my life and my partner is fully aware of him and has been from the start.  The relationship between the other man and I is very limited and is not a threat to the relationship I am in now, the way it was when I was married.  I have come to believe that having an affair is not a complicated thing at all…regardless if it’s emotional or physical…it so simple, because it comes down to choice.  We have affairs to fill something in ourselves and we simply choose to lose ourselves in the excitement, thrill and the chaos because it allows us to become enamored with ourselves again.  Affairs give us the chance to fall in love with the people we want to be.

I’m a different person, almost completely than I was a few years ago, for numerous reasons.  As difficult as that time in my life was, I am forever grateful because I am here to today, confident in myself, secure in my sexuality and on the road to healing because of being able to see myself from a different view. Through the view of other people…some of you here, who I showed my most private thoughts too and to the men and women in my day-to-day life that showed me it was okay to be vulnerable.

So that leaves me to life going on….indeed it has. Quite unexpectedly and when I least wanted it,  I fell deeply in love with a younger man and even more unexpectedly we got pregnant about a year after we began dating. We  have since had a wonderful little girl who is everything I could imagine happiness brings.  I have now embarked on the biggest adventure of my life and it is more thrilling than any motorcycle I have driven, any place I have travelled too and any romance I have ever had.  She is the “one”…the love of my life and the greatest gift I have ever received.  I am so proud of my accomplishments and the changes I have made.  I’m so blessed to have given birth to her I’m so grateful to the man who I wake up to every day…her father.

Having found a “happier ending” doesn’t mean that everyday comes easy or that being in a relationship with a younger man or raising a child is easy.  It is not.  These two things are the hardest things I have ever done, but I pour myself into them with committment, with love and with more energy and thought then I have ever given anything in my life previously.  I do this because I’m no longer feeling empty the way I once was. 

When I wake up to this man, it is with excitement.  When he looks at me and makes me laugh with his outrageous antics, I feel more content then I ever thought possible.  My biggest struggle now is not about finding the one “man” who makes me want to have a relationship, it’s about having the man and being able to fully believe that love is an enduring rather than a fleeting thing.  Ah well…as long as the sex continues to be great, I’ll keep him. Maybe that is really the only way we can truly feel content and connected…is to keep putting in the effort. And although a lot of woman would say you don’t need a man to feel “happy” and I know I can live without him, I am much happier and life is fuller having this particular man in it and raising a child with him. 

As far as my daughter, it is the hardest job I have ever had.  But the pay is priceless in her smile, her giggles, her discovery of the world as she grows and changes each month. She makes me happier than I can ever describe and the effort is effortless.  I found love. Finally.

Im afraid my blog is going to be rather boring from here on out for some of you…no huge love triangles.  No chaos of emotion, but I do plan on to continue writing about my inner thoughts, even the most graphic ones. I will continue to use this outlet to heal and talk about some of the unresolved feelings I have yet to figure out with with the my ex-husband and the other man.  I will continue to examine myself and get your feedback and talk about the things that interest me and I hope you keep reading.  Thank you for being here and thank you for continuing to read.

Let me start that I have officially been separated after a really long unhappy marriage for a long period now and in the final stages of  divorce.  In a matter of weeks now, I will be a “single” woman for the first time since I was practically a teenager.  Although it was long process and a very difficult one, I have no doubt that I made the best decision I ever could have for the rest of my life and my future.  I’m no longer in the throws of grief as I once was and am much more secure in who I am as a person and maybe as a direct result of that life has handed me some wonderful new surprises.

Recently, I moved permanently out of my marriage home, so I no longer own a house of my own and financially I even settled for a lot less then what my lawyers were happy with so that I could have a closed agreement between my ex and I. I didn’t want to have to deal with him for years to come and continue to spend thousands in legal fees as we have been doing for the past few years. His abusive and aggressive behavior was taking it’s toll on me and really was the only negative thing happening in my life. I by no means walked away with nothing, but I knew that I had to figure out what was the most important thing to me…peace of mind or the almighty dollar.  It wasn’t hard to figure out.

I won the most important thing that he cant have and wanted..control over my own life.  I negotiated my settlement that I could get remarried, co-habitat or whatever in the future and that it wouldn’t affect the agreed to amounts he would have to pay out for a certain period of time.  He is not happy about me moving on with my life even though he has moved on with his and is now living with the woman he was seeing during the final stages of our marriage. While he is smug about reassuming the home we shared as husband and wife I and he feels like he has “won” to a certain degree, I get to be even more smug that it sincerely pisses him off that I’m happy. I learned that stuff is just stuff and that real happiness comes from knowing what you need and what your about.

Unexpectedly and without intent, it looks like he is going to be even more annoyed for quite a while to come with the latest development in my life. I have moved in with my boyfriend and things are better than I ever hoped them to be. We will be purchasing a home together in the next while and that is very exciting, but we have more things to look forward to besides that.

Recently my boyfriend and I came back from an once in a lifetime trip visiting friends of mine in a tropcial local. We had the time of our lives and for the first time in a few years, I had no stress or worry and was just living it up.  I went scuba diving, swam in the pouring rain in the warm ocean, pranced my shit in a bikini which I haven’t done in years and had a perma grin on my face from the joy and love I felt by the people I was surrounded by.  I felt happy, whole, well rested and content. One of the best times of my life and now has even more special meaning.

While I was there, my girlfriend who I was staying with and whom is pregnant, kept commenting to me that i was positively glowing and did I think it was a possibility I could be pregnant?  “WHA???” was my response.  Mockingly I giggled at her. Impossible!!!!! At least I thought and I’ll tell ya why.

I’m in my late thirties for one thing.  I have a female condition that is one the leading causes of infertility in woman and have had this syndrome since I was a teenager.  I have been pregnant a few times and miscarried, the last time being quite a long time ago.  I had unprotected sex with my ex for a number of years and never got pregnant again, mind you I really didn’t want to have a child with him, so maybe mind over matter had a role to play.  But here’s the main reason I doubted I could be pregnant as my girlfriend was suggesting…I have been on the birth control pill to stabilize my hormones because of my female condition and we could count the number of times my boyfriend has cum inside of me.

All those factors bring me to about a 1 -2% chance of a pregnancy. So I laughed quite hard at my girlfriend.  I had also drank, smoked (cigars)  and did other things that are potentially dangerous for a pregnant woman besides scuba diving.  No way was I pregnant!!  However, I did notice a slightly rounder belly and larger breasts in my pictures when I was strutting my stuff in a bikini as the weeks went on.  I chalked it up to “holiday weight” because I had not yet missed my period.  I was not pregnant.

It was totally out of mind till I came home and two other people made a comment that I looked different, “glowing, happy”.  My other girlfriend came right out and said…”could you be pregnant?”.  Ok, now I’m a little freaked out!!!   What are the ODDS of that many people in a short period of time that have known me for years making that far out comment?  I went and bought a test and then proceeded to have a parkinsons moment as I constantly shook my head back and forth at the result.  I am indeed pregnant.

I was scared to death of telling the boyfriend.  I couldn’t say the words, but just had to take him by the hand and show him the test I had just taken.  He just grinned, then laughed and told me he loved me.  Thank god for that reaction because I was having mixed one of my own. We were planning on moving in together, but both of us had pretty much accepted that children were probably not a possiblity and just figured if we wanted it to happen, it wouldn’t happen without intervention. We had no real intent of doing that. Both us of  felt we could live a full contented life without kids and figured if it ever became important enough and didn’t happen on it’s own,  we would adopt. There wasn’t a plan, we were just going to live our lives.

So it was with quite a bit of shock and awe that night when we bought four more tests of different brands, and they all came out positive. LOL!!   Now I was officially two days late on my cycle, so I knew I was newly pregnant and it was with a great of deal of apprehension and disbelief that the news was confirmed by the doctor the following week.  My doc was overjoyed and laughed as well.  He has a miracle on his hands and he even tried to take a little credit by saying “well i guess this is my fault since I had you on a low dose birth control.  I just wanted to keep your hormones level and for you not to have to many side effects of being on the pill. Way to go DOC!! Thanks for looking out for me.

I have since had two ultrasounds, the last one showing that things are progressing normally and that there is a strong heartbeat.  I’m in my third month now, so closer to being over the hump of worry. I’m high risk because of my age and other factors, including my previous history, but the heartbeat and normal growth thus-far makes everything a lot more viable and real.  My doctor however said to me and I never thought about it….”did you ever consider that perhaps it was not all you and that you husbands sperm could have played a factor in previous pregnancies.  Sometimes the right chemistry between two people makes all the difference in the world?”.  No I had not.  I assumed it was me.  Regardless, this child is truly a miracle.  It is completely in gods hands and completely a part of my life I never thought would happen.

I’m not as afraid as I might have been and I have embraced it.  I figure if it happened under all those circumstances than I am meant to have this experience for whatever it is and regardless what happens.  So rather than worry, I’m choosing to just live in it with joy and relish every moment that I feel my body change and grow, every conversation we have about this as a couple, every private I thought I have about the hopes and dreams of a future, whatever that looks like. This may never happen again so I’m overjoyed to be able to talk about it and share it.

I am also with a man that I know loves me and that I completely adore and feel safe with.  He has been an open book and gone out of his way to install trust and security in the relationship.  All the ages issues I had are still there, but it’s more of wow…I’m gonna be an old mom!!! LOL.  It’s a good thing he’s younger and that will offer a good balance. What energy I lack he will have and we balance each other well now.

His response to the pregnancy has been ecstatic.  He is beyond joyed and hopeful.  He said to me…”I get to keep you now. I prayed to keep you when we first met. You have to know with the chemistry and the love we have that it just makes sense that life would give us this gift. It’s meant to be.  We are meant to be”.   Something corny like that.   He also made a few comments about his sperm being the best in the world and with our incredible sex life, how could we not get pregnant!!   He is THAT good. Well, yes he is…I never said he didn’t have reason to have an ego.   I’ll let him enjoy the moment of feeling like an all powerful man, while I get gigantic boobs and feel like Im a large group of women, instead of singular “woman”.

So, life indeed is not something we have control over or can plan out.  We go into the decisions we make, the relationships we have with the best of intentions and usually a lot of thought as to what we are doing, but none of it really matters to some degree. You can make your choices and you can work hard at picking a path, but life will take you where you supposed to go, give you the experiences you are supposed to learn by, make you the person you are supposed to be, as as quickly as it starts, it shifts and changes, ends, then starts again.

I’m lucky to be alive and I can’t wait to teach this little person how to embrace it and make the best of it.

I hope life is going well for all of you.  If it’s not and your struggling, as we all do, try to have faith in just living and breathing, because you never know what is around the next corner and that old saying is so true…when one door closes, a window opens.

The remarkable day where corny poems and bullshit sentiments are said, and the next day after all the mushy mushiness, people think they have done their job of “romancing” each other for another year.  “What do you mean I don’t “romance” you enough? I bought you candy hearts!!! Of course I love you sweetheart, I asked you to be mine didn’t I?”

I personally have rarely bought gifts and would rather save my money and buy something that is really wanted on some other occasion. My best Valentines included a blindfold. Get your mind out of the gutter…I was surprised with a picnic lunch in a beautiful atrium, that included chocolate body paint, strawberries, champagne and a stroll through an art gallery. He bought me a  framed print from one of my favorite artists as a keepsake.  It was memorable afternoon and he scored major points for the creativeness of the day.

Still, Ithink it’s the most overrated holiday out there.  It’s worse for men than women because we have expectations and guys have a whole lot of pressure. They panic when they realize they have dropped the ball and her favorite restaurant was booked up for V-day last August.  Poor Bastards, because you know that it’s gonna be hell when all she gets is that Hallmark Card, a box of stale chocolates (they don’t throw out last years heart shaped boxes) and the visa bill that shows he spent $110 on a dozen long stem roses that died in three days. Oh the joy of showing your love!!

Most of us think Jewelry is cliche as well, unless it’s quality. Honestly.  I don’t really need that $49 heart shaped pendant with the diamond chips in it.  That was fun when I was sixteen.  I love when V-day is marketed in an original way though and thought you might get a giggle out this too.

For me the key to a good Valentines is extra attention and TLC.  How about a hot bath, a nice glass of wine, my favorite music playing in the background, followed by a full body massage and maybe a decadent dessert?  We really are not that hard to please.  This year I asked we have an adventure and do something neither of us have done before. Something that will be fun and memorable, maybe include a degree of competiveness. Think, horseback riding, archery, shooting range, fights.  Boxing lessons on valentines? A  toothless smile will always remind you of the wonderful day you had together.

I’m excited because I know that we are going to be outrageous, have fun and laugh. My heart is full when he laughs (okay…a little corny isn’t so bad.)

Happy Valentines Day.