Marriage and Sex

It seems like there is never enough time in the day. Sometimes it’s hard enough to connect with your partner with just a career and the tasks of everyday living but once you become a parent the time you have for yourself is limited.  Some days you are simply too tired to be “on”.

I often feel like a cliche of  “A woman’s work is never done”.  Sometimes you just have to use your imagination, your naughty nature and other “aids” to spice up your life married or not. Divorce teaches us that marriage can never be sucessfull and I have to keep reminding myself that “Marriage” is only what you make of it just like ones sex life.

That being said I lived in a “lifeless” practically “sexless” marriage for many years. I had no patience or energy for my ex-spouse.  He simply did not meet my basic needs or make me feel desirable. I stopped being “on” in any capacity. I was bitter and angry deep down inside because of his constant abandonment of me and his wandering eye for other women.  In those last years, I made very little effort to care for him and had very little concern for what he needed.  I became very efficient at shutting down emotionally and physically. It was a sad way to live life.

The dilemma I have now is that I conditioned myself to be that way and I carry that baggage and old behaviours into my new relationship even though I try not to.  I’m much quicker to feel insecure or keep my distance emotionally in some ways. If we are not finding time for the other our relationship feels weak although in many ways I know it’s not. I am more invested in this current relationship than I have ever been in my entire life.  I love this man and would seriously feel like I lost a limb if I lost him.

For quite a while now he always refers to me as his “wife”.  He has been actively looking at engagement rings and talks about the long term, our future as a family and growing old together. I love him for it and here’s the hard part…it scares the shit out of me!  I have sincere mixed emotions about marriage.  I have only been technically divorced for a short time although my ex and I have been apart for quite a few years now. It was HELL to get that divorce and thousands spent on lawyers to get him to cooperate.  I spent almost two decades with that man and I can’t really recall what was positive about those years. It’s sad to make that kind of commitment and end up disliking pretty much everything about the other person when you literally “grew up” together.

When I first met my boyfriend and the father of my child, I think a huge part of me picked him because it was fun, easy and I could in many ways not be emotionally invested so that I didn’t get hurt.  The age difference helped with that.  I would just be the hot older woman who taught him a thing or two, had some laughs and some adventure. I was hugely open minded in many areas and just thought that if it gets too tough then I can walk and he could find himself some young thing to fulfill any of those “Cinderella endings” if he ever changed his mind and wanted that kind of life. It was simple for me in many ways and I was easygoing because in the back of my mind I had a life envisioned for myself and it meant that I wouldn’t “settle” down for quite a long time.

If I did desire a long term relationship and partner to grow old with I had criteria.  An older guy who had lived his life, played and worked hard, had fulfilled most of his sexual adventures, had his fill of different women and was willing to live a life of simplicity with some good consistent sex thrown in for good measure. He would not get bored of only one woman because he had “been there done that”. He would happily enjoy coasting to the finish line of life without a lot of the stress of being young and the ”Is the grass greener, mowed more enticingly on the other side?” mentality. We could travel, have a small home and just enjoy the company of the other. 

I agreed to date the younger man after his sweet sense of pursuing and playing because it was good for my self esteem. I didn’t have a lot of that left after being so under appreciated by my ex. I was lusty, sexy and more aggressive than I had ever been. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. It was so hot and we had sex everyday for the first year and a bit. I didn’t leave because it was so much fun, but I did have it in the back of my head that if got too hard or too much effort than leaving was an option. I would be sad, but I wouldn’t be so emotionally invested that it would be such a devastating loss or the baggage of a divorce.  The universe had other plans for me… I unexpectedly got pregnant and everything changed. It’s no longer just about what I want, but about what she needs.

My boyfriend and I were on the same page when we met…no kids, no marriage (I had done my time in a bad marriage…NO WAY was I going there again.) I supposedly couldn’t have kids so that was easy. Now that we are parents, have a house together, etc., my boyfriend has changed so much and tells me what it important to him is us being committed to being a family and his daughter having both her parents available to her for the rest of her life.  Marriage is a natural step to take to ensure that.  Marriage in his opinion is a statement to the world and our daughter that we love each other and are committed to our future. Sometimes when we talk about it, he is almost too practical in his view.

I think for me after a long difficult divorce, I naturally have it in my head that marriage means pain.  It means financial loss, emotional instability, and having to be “domestic” in the sense that you give up who you are and your needs. The excitement goes. The connection to the other person wanes and the desire to hold that person in high regard gets lost in the daily “domestic” realities of life. It’s not healthy. I’m not healthy in that sense.

It took me many years to realize that I’m a VERY sexual and physical person.  I feel much more secure when I’m curled up naked beside my man and we have both had a good orgasm. My sex life is really good for the most part and he still excites me by just looking at me. I can still masturbate thinking about him cuming. To me it’s one of the hottest visuals I have in my head…his pleasure, his voice, his touch.   He puts in effort to do little things like buy me flowers or tell me I look nice when I’ve got my hair in a pony tail and sweat pants on. He sincerely tries to make me feel loved and wanted.  But sometimes he can be hurtful without realizing it. His “practical” view on things leaves me a little cold at times.  I’ve discovered that although I’ve got the sex drive of a man…I’m also still a “girl” craving the crazy passion of being madly in love. The day to day grind sometimes takes away from that “thrill” of being with the other. As most men do, he doesn’t always think before he speaks and as all people do in relationships we take our frustrations, our lack of sleep, or stress out on the ones we are closest to. 

Unfortunately,  because of my messed up experience of marriage, regardless of what he says there is a part of me that just believes he’s only saying it and that I’m not going to be able to keep him happy.  I’m not sure how to change it. I want to change it and I am aware this negative thinking will damage my current relationship if I continue to wonder if the worst is around the corner.

This is a challenging place I find myself in now.  Leaving is not an option and he is very sure of that in himself. This is the life we have been handed and it’s important we work through our challenges as a couple to keep our family intact. Our daughter needs us both.  That being said…I promised myself I would never get married out of necessity and I want to be married because I’m wanted, loved and that person also feels like he would lose a part of himself if he lost me. I sometimes wonder if that is the thought process for my boyfriend. Does he want to marry me because he appreciates all that I bring to the table, or is marriage about doing the “right” thing? He’s never been married…so perhaps in his mind it’s just something that people do because they have commitments together?

His excitement and seriousness about it all has a weird effect on me. One minute I’m sort of excited by the thought and the next I’m ready to run for the hills.  What if he proposes, I say yes and we are getting divorced in five years? I’m not sure I could get through that kind of experience again. What if we stop desiring the other? I’m older…my body is not what it was when we first met having now had a few health crisis’s and a birth of a baby. How do I change these insecurities of being a woman who was not wanted or needed previously?

I’m trying to live in the moment, enjoy the day, and find the beautiful I still am.  I’ve lost most of the baby weight minus a few pounds. My body is not perfect but I try and focus on what I like. My breasts have become a surprisingly firm D cup from nurturing my child and becoming more womanly. I won’t focus on the fact that my tummy is not as firm or that my ass is a little lower than it used to be thanks to gravity. I love to kiss him with my full lips, tease him with my soft hands and connect with my inner naughty girl.  In the beginning of our relationship, this was more of a natural state for me. I automatically felt sexy around him. Now it sometimes takes more of an effort and something I have to be more conscious of.  My desire for sex is as strong as ever, my sense of adventure and naughty nature still alive but I have to work at it.

So this year for Halloween…I’ve got a very hot school girl costume that only he is going to see. :-)  He never had a lot of sex in high school, in fact he didn’t lose his virginity until he was “legal” and I think it’s something he kind of wishes he had explored more. So…he’s going to get what he wants. LOL.  I know he loves that wicked side of me who will be silly, sexy and willing to play. We will both laugh and the sex will be fantastic. And it’s these small things that will keep us alive, connected, fun and a little different from the norm of “let’s do this I need sleep”.

Maybe I will feel more like my old self again and it will remind me that I’m worth asking to marry.

Deep down, I know he is worth saying “yes” to.