Life goes on…again.

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve visited this place!

So much has changed and yet remained the same. The joy of my life has gone from baby to toddler and it’s been an amazing process to watch.  She is just beautiful and I am blessed to have her. Walking, talking, throwing tantrums, laughing, smiling and making me grateful everyday for my life. 

I was recently ill and had a major surgery where I couldn’t take care of her for a little while. I’m on the mend now, but it was a difficult time.  I had to let her go into the care of someone else during the day while I recovered.  It broke my heart to stop breastfeeding and spending my days with her doing the simplest things. In those short few months since she has become a different person.  At first, she didn’t understand what was going on and how do you tell a little child that you can’t pick her up the way you did and you can’t care for her the way you want? That was harder than the physical ordeal. I felt at loss, like I had misplaced my sense of direction because for 15 months I was her primary caregiver and she filled my day with such happiness. However,  I never realized that someone so small had such a capacity to understand and she was angry at me.  She sensed and she knew that something wasn’t right with her mama and it left her confused. 

Now that she’s gotten used to being in daycare and I have had time to get back on my feet, she’s all my “baby” again. Soon I will be able to have her home part of the time and now that she’s used to being around other kids and without me, I will return to work. Yet each day, no matter what Im doing or where I am at, I think of her and how she is. My priorities have shifted in life. The career I worked so hard for doesn’t hold the same meaning.  The time I spent “living out my dreams” seem irrelevant.  Now, I live for the time I spend with her and the time I spend with my man as a family.  There is no greater gift or purpose in life but to have those things. 

It has been a scary time and I wondered how they would do if I  wasn’t here or worse broken down physically? I had some serious fear issues and worried that I was a burden or would become one, that I would get left or have to leave.  Old tapes playing in my head that I was not ”worthy” of unconditional love.  I wondered to myself that if the worst case scenario happened could I let them go and push them in a direction where someone else could love them as much as I do?  I did not want them to live a limited life. I wanted my daughter to have both parents strong and healthy, able to run, play and have the adventures instead of having to care for her “mama”.

It’s a strange place to visit….coming to terms and understanding how in love you are with the people in your life that you would be willing to do what’s right for them and not necessarily for yourself. That who you were and who you have become are so very different from what you thought you might be.  I understood in those dark thoughts that I was truly a parent. I could sacrifice anything for her well-being and happiness.  I also realized even more how much I adore the man I’m with.  He has stood by me with some difficult times. always stepping up and taking care of what needs to be done.  He is so different from my old life and my ex.  So much more giving and patient, willing to sacrifice some of what he might need to be with me.  I never want to lose this life I’m in now. In my old life all I wanted to do was run away. I would have been grateful to die as I was already dying inside with a abusive husband and superficial people surrounding me. It took me so much to get out and even more to let someone else in.  Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments when the old tapes play in my head and I struggle…but then I remember, I’m not that girl anymore in the most important ways.

I watched the relationship between father and daughter become even more involved because they needed each other.  She had to come to him for what she wanted and he had to learn that her needs came first before all others.  She’s learned to trust men. That is what a father figure is supposed to provide. He has grown into that role in a way that makes me stand back and look at him with awe….much how he has looked at me since I was pregnant with her.  Your instincts just kick in, even if it is an adjustment. It has been beautiful to see shift.  He has been more the “Mama” in the past few months, cooking, cleaning, holding her and they are bonded tighter than ever. Now that I’m getting well, the dynamics of the family relationship have changed.  We are more equal as parents and she is more secure in gaining her independence because she has two loving parents there to catch her when she falls.  We both realize that is the most important job in the world and regardless of what life may throw at us, we will always strive to remain intact as a unit because it’s better that way for everyone.  No one can replace me and no one will ever replace them for me.

Sometimes I think that life challenges us so that we can “see” what we have.  Im glad to be here today and grateful to have a place where I can share these innermost thoughts. Regardless of who reads or who comments, this is my life and it’s been pretty darn interesting and full thus far.

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