Divorce & The Loss Factor

One of the things about getting divorced that you really don’t think about when you’re gearing yourself up for the process is exactly HOW much your life is about to change. 

You will indeed find out who your true friends are.  You will suddenly feel a little lost because of the family factor…meaning you spent a good portion of your life being a part of his/her family at holidays and everyday life.  There is no preparation for the backlash you will receive from other people. Some will abandon you and discard you as if you never existed, simply because they must. Some will surprise you by their support and their thoughts on the subject. Some are tied to the other spouse more than they were you or simply will have to choose sides.  It was easy for some in my case because we had no children (Thank GOD!), so there wasn’t a commitment to have to communicate with the other.  As a parent you must choose your child’s side.  You are their support by blood.  Family is supposed to be a soft place to fall and the people you know you can rely on regardless of your mistakes.

I did spend one afternoon with my ex’s family in the end. The only recognition I received that their son had wronged me in our life together was her statement that she didn’t understand how he could move in with another woman 3 months after we had been together for our whole lives.  I simply replied to her “because he was never here”.  It was the only conversation we needed to have and I know that somewhere deep down inside she knows that it wasn’t all me. They can say whatever they want to give him support, but I know  I lived my whole marriage knowing he was not emotionally committed to me.  As much as he would like to think he was, it was very superficial…financial, material possessions, etc.  It destroyed my worth to know that he had it in his heart to stay married to me while he kept himself on the market and kept looking for that “one”.  He eventually found her and I honestly hope it has changed him to be a better man to her than he ever was to me.

I was no pinic myself.  I raged at him, constantly felt insecure and didn’t trust his whereabouts or his motives. I was always on the alert for a lie. I’m not proud of myself and how I handled the end of my marriage.  I was angry and  I sincerely hated him at times.   I had an emotional affair for the last  few years of our marriage together because I felt like I had no one. I mean I felt like I had NO one.  It was easy for me to use the excuse that he was a cheater, so why couldn’t I pay him back?  What’s that saying? Two wrongs dont make a right?

I felt abandoned, by everyone, including myself. I was ashamed and I couldn’t explain what was really going on to very many people.  For the most part, people thought we were a great couple together…because on the outside we were, it was what we presented.  Inside the marriage though there was no trust.  Over the years he had affairs, ads on sex sites, personal sites, etc. Some of it came to the surface..people he worked with for example, questioned him and would make comments.  At one point even his own family had known about at least one affair.  Again, I was ashamed.  His own family helped convince me that I would be in the wrong if I didn’t forgive him.  Marriage was a committment you didn’t take lightly. Lot’s of men had other women in history and afteralll…it was my fault to a degree wasnt it? Surely, I was not satisfying him somehow?  I had to work harder, not be so selfish.

It was awful for me and I walked around with a hole in my heart. The more I found out, the more numb I would become. I just chose to ignore things because I believed that somehow if I just fixed something about me then he would love me enough to change his ways.  It wasn’t until I had the support of someone else (the other man who I shared an online and phone relationship with for over two years),  went to marriage and private counseling and started to see myself without him, that I realized that although I had failed, he had certainly failed me and we both deserved better. The more support I had, the less cooperative and loving I became. My rage took over and I tried to make him feel insignificant, because that is what I felt around him.  

However instead of feeling like a failure, all it did was empower him to do the things he wanted to do.  The marriage counsler confirmed to me that he would never for the rest of his life be responsible for any of it,  because that is not who he is and I could be in his face, beg, plead,cry and change every aspect of who I was, the bottom line was….my husband did not love me.  More importantly, he did not have any respect for me and never had and you can not build a relationship of any sort without respect.

The thing is when you’re a marriage is that bad, you tend to surround yourself around people who are not supportive as well, people who you can keep on a superficial level.  People that unbelievably feed into your lack of self-worth. When you start to move into something healthier and you start to treat yourself with some respect, you also begin to realize that you need something more, something different.

I think I went through  a mourning period when I came to the realization that there would be people who I had in my life that I no longer wanted to put the effort in with.  I didn’t really see how they would fit when it came to spending time with my daughter. They didn’t want to accept my new boyfriend because they were “accustomed” to my ex. It was weird for me.  It was sad for me, because these were the people I had shared most of my adult life with. Alot of people just dumped us both, but as I mentioned some just blatently took sides.  I got my “split” of the friends and he got his, like another possesion. Weird.

The hardest one though, turned out to be one of my closest friends.  In fact she had been supportive of me having a the relationship with the other man.  She wanted to hear the details, she picked up the long distance calling cards for me when I couldn’t.  Needless to say it came as quite a shock to me when in the end she started to take my ex’s side. Telling me that it wasn’t fair to take anything financially from him as far as a settlement.  Telling me that I did my part so I should just let him go and to keep what he wanted, which included the house. Her husband was divorcing her at the same time and she was opting take next to nothing, so she expected the same from me.  She didn’t want her husband to divorce her.  I guess you stick up for the people you can relate too and I told her that in the end.  She was cut from the same cloth as my ex husband…they had a lot in common and  I had finally seen her for the person she was as well. I knew that there was no longer any room for her.  She has since tried to text and talk to me.  I have ignored her.  It was almost easy. It was the right choice. 

You have no idea the pain I felt in that moment though,  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I couldn’t believe that this “friend” who had seen my tears, heard about his affairs, driven me to a hotel herself when I needed to get away from home because it was so bad could turn on me in such a way. Then it dawned on me…she had affairs in her marriage, her attitude about me getting involved with another man was so inconsequential to her, and perhaps even…perhaps she had been involved with my husband at some point.  I will never know.

Recently, I heard from my ex. He was gloating that she had sent him the conversation I had with her in regards to this…he was vindicated because of course he doesn’t want to be paying me anything.  It hurts, of course it does.  The hole in my heart got a little bigger, but then I realized that it’s simply not important.  These losses are good, the reminders of what I used to be surrounded by and what I have now, because my life is mine for the first time in two decades and I could not have gained anything more important than my freedom from this sadness I had lived.  

 I held my daughter this morning, looked around my beautiful home (which is substantially bigger and nicer than the home my ex got to keep) and listened to the voice of my new love at lunch hour when he called to check in on us and realized; with every loss there is something to be gained. Life goes on and tomorrow we have plans to hang out with our mommies group, next week I have two more “dates” with friends and my life because fuller as each day passes.  I have new people who are not people who want to beat me down or tell me I’m not anything without them.  

Those words still ring in my head…”you are nothing without me”.  My ex really beleived that.   My ex friend told me that I wasn’t a very good friend either.  Maybe I wasn’t.  Maybe I was not much of anything besides dysfunction and drama when I was around them, because that is what I was surrounded by. 

Today I am someones mommy, someones wife for all intents and purposes, a good friend, a solid person who has respect and more importantly demands respect. I may have lost  almost everything, but I can say,  It was the best thing that ever happened to me. One day that small part of me that still mourns and gets confused as to the “why did I deserve that?” will let go of that as well.

The best revenge I can have is to live my life better than I even ever wished for myself.

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