Life Has It’s Own Agenda

Hello everyone.    It’s good to be back and I have lots worth writing about.  If I have neglected you over recent months, please accept my sincerest apologies, life it seems…has it’s own agenda.

Let me start that I have officially been separated after a really long unhappy marriage for a long period now and in the final stages of  divorce.  In a matter of weeks now, I will be a “single” woman for the first time since I was practically a teenager.  Although it was long process and a very difficult one, I have no doubt that I made the best decision I ever could have for the rest of my life and my future.  I’m no longer in the throws of grief as I once was and am much more secure in who I am as a person and maybe as a direct result of that life has handed me some wonderful new surprises.

Recently, I moved permanently out of my marriage home, so I no longer own a house of my own and financially I even settled for a lot less then what my lawyers were happy with so that I could have a closed agreement between my ex and I. I didn’t want to have to deal with him for years to come and continue to spend thousands in legal fees as we have been doing for the past few years. His abusive and aggressive behavior was taking it’s toll on me and really was the only negative thing happening in my life. I by no means walked away with nothing, but I knew that I had to figure out what was the most important thing to me…peace of mind or the almighty dollar.  It wasn’t hard to figure out.

I won the most important thing that he cant have and wanted..control over my own life.  I negotiated my settlement that I could get remarried, co-habitat or whatever in the future and that it wouldn’t affect the agreed to amounts he would have to pay out for a certain period of time.  He is not happy about me moving on with my life even though he has moved on with his and is now living with the woman he was seeing during the final stages of our marriage. While he is smug about reassuming the home we shared as husband and wife I and he feels like he has “won” to a certain degree, I get to be even more smug that it sincerely pisses him off that I’m happy. I learned that stuff is just stuff and that real happiness comes from knowing what you need and what your about.

Unexpectedly and without intent, it looks like he is going to be even more annoyed for quite a while to come with the latest development in my life. I have moved in with my boyfriend and things are better than I ever hoped them to be. We will be purchasing a home together in the next while and that is very exciting, but we have more things to look forward to besides that.

Recently my boyfriend and I came back from an once in a lifetime trip visiting friends of mine in a tropcial local. We had the time of our lives and for the first time in a few years, I had no stress or worry and was just living it up.  I went scuba diving, swam in the pouring rain in the warm ocean, pranced my shit in a bikini which I haven’t done in years and had a perma grin on my face from the joy and love I felt by the people I was surrounded by.  I felt happy, whole, well rested and content. One of the best times of my life and now has even more special meaning.

While I was there, my girlfriend who I was staying with and whom is pregnant, kept commenting to me that i was positively glowing and did I think it was a possibility I could be pregnant?  “WHA???” was my response.  Mockingly I giggled at her. Impossible!!!!! At least I thought and I’ll tell ya why.

I’m in my late thirties for one thing.  I have a female condition that is one the leading causes of infertility in woman and have had this syndrome since I was a teenager.  I have been pregnant a few times and miscarried, the last time being quite a long time ago.  I had unprotected sex with my ex for a number of years and never got pregnant again, mind you I really didn’t want to have a child with him, so maybe mind over matter had a role to play.  But here’s the main reason I doubted I could be pregnant as my girlfriend was suggesting…I have been on the birth control pill to stabilize my hormones because of my female condition and we could count the number of times my boyfriend has cum inside of me.

All those factors bring me to about a 1 -2% chance of a pregnancy. So I laughed quite hard at my girlfriend.  I had also drank, smoked (cigars)  and did other things that are potentially dangerous for a pregnant woman besides scuba diving.  No way was I pregnant!!  However, I did notice a slightly rounder belly and larger breasts in my pictures when I was strutting my stuff in a bikini as the weeks went on.  I chalked it up to “holiday weight” because I had not yet missed my period.  I was not pregnant.

It was totally out of mind till I came home and two other people made a comment that I looked different, “glowing, happy”.  My other girlfriend came right out and said…”could you be pregnant?”.  Ok, now I’m a little freaked out!!!   What are the ODDS of that many people in a short period of time that have known me for years making that far out comment?  I went and bought a test and then proceeded to have a parkinsons moment as I constantly shook my head back and forth at the result.  I am indeed pregnant.

I was scared to death of telling the boyfriend.  I couldn’t say the words, but just had to take him by the hand and show him the test I had just taken.  He just grinned, then laughed and told me he loved me.  Thank god for that reaction because I was having mixed one of my own. We were planning on moving in together, but both of us had pretty much accepted that children were probably not a possiblity and just figured if we wanted it to happen, it wouldn’t happen without intervention. We had no real intent of doing that. Both us of  felt we could live a full contented life without kids and figured if it ever became important enough and didn’t happen on it’s own,  we would adopt. There wasn’t a plan, we were just going to live our lives.

So it was with quite a bit of shock and awe that night when we bought four more tests of different brands, and they all came out positive. LOL!!   Now I was officially two days late on my cycle, so I knew I was newly pregnant and it was with a great of deal of apprehension and disbelief that the news was confirmed by the doctor the following week.  My doc was overjoyed and laughed as well.  He has a miracle on his hands and he even tried to take a little credit by saying “well i guess this is my fault since I had you on a low dose birth control.  I just wanted to keep your hormones level and for you not to have to many side effects of being on the pill. Way to go DOC!! Thanks for looking out for me.

I have since had two ultrasounds, the last one showing that things are progressing normally and that there is a strong heartbeat.  I’m in my third month now, so closer to being over the hump of worry. I’m high risk because of my age and other factors, including my previous history, but the heartbeat and normal growth thus-far makes everything a lot more viable and real.  My doctor however said to me and I never thought about it….”did you ever consider that perhaps it was not all you and that you husbands sperm could have played a factor in previous pregnancies.  Sometimes the right chemistry between two people makes all the difference in the world?”.  No I had not.  I assumed it was me.  Regardless, this child is truly a miracle.  It is completely in gods hands and completely a part of my life I never thought would happen.

I’m not as afraid as I might have been and I have embraced it.  I figure if it happened under all those circumstances than I am meant to have this experience for whatever it is and regardless what happens.  So rather than worry, I’m choosing to just live in it with joy and relish every moment that I feel my body change and grow, every conversation we have about this as a couple, every private I thought I have about the hopes and dreams of a future, whatever that looks like. This may never happen again so I’m overjoyed to be able to talk about it and share it.

I am also with a man that I know loves me and that I completely adore and feel safe with.  He has been an open book and gone out of his way to install trust and security in the relationship.  All the ages issues I had are still there, but it’s more of wow…I’m gonna be an old mom!!! LOL.  It’s a good thing he’s younger and that will offer a good balance. What energy I lack he will have and we balance each other well now.

His response to the pregnancy has been ecstatic.  He is beyond joyed and hopeful.  He said to me…”I get to keep you now. I prayed to keep you when we first met. You have to know with the chemistry and the love we have that it just makes sense that life would give us this gift. It’s meant to be.  We are meant to be”.   Something corny like that.   He also made a few comments about his sperm being the best in the world and with our incredible sex life, how could we not get pregnant!!   He is THAT good. Well, yes he is…I never said he didn’t have reason to have an ego.   I’ll let him enjoy the moment of feeling like an all powerful man, while I get gigantic boobs and feel like Im a large group of women, instead of singular “woman”.

So, life indeed is not something we have control over or can plan out.  We go into the decisions we make, the relationships we have with the best of intentions and usually a lot of thought as to what we are doing, but none of it really matters to some degree. You can make your choices and you can work hard at picking a path, but life will take you where you supposed to go, give you the experiences you are supposed to learn by, make you the person you are supposed to be, as as quickly as it starts, it shifts and changes, ends, then starts again.

I’m lucky to be alive and I can’t wait to teach this little person how to embrace it and make the best of it.

I hope life is going well for all of you.  If it’s not and your struggling, as we all do, try to have faith in just living and breathing, because you never know what is around the next corner and that old saying is so true…when one door closes, a window opens.

Welcome to the Dog House.

Ah Valentines.

The remarkable day where corny poems and bullshit sentiments are said, and the next day after all the mushy mushiness, people think they have done their job of “romancing” each other for another year.  “What do you mean I don’t “romance” you enough? I bought you candy hearts!!! Of course I love you sweetheart, I asked you to be mine didn’t I?”

I personally have rarely bought gifts and would rather save my money and buy something that is really wanted on some other occasion. My best Valentines included a blindfold. Get your mind out of the gutter…I was surprised with a picnic lunch in a beautiful atrium, that included chocolate body paint, strawberries, champagne and a stroll through an art gallery. He bought me a  framed print from one of my favorite artists as a keepsake.  It was memorable afternoon and he scored major points for the creativeness of the day.

Still, Ithink it’s the most overrated holiday out there.  It’s worse for men than women because we have expectations and guys have a whole lot of pressure. They panic when they realize they have dropped the ball and her favorite restaurant was booked up for V-day last August.  Poor Bastards, because you know that it’s gonna be hell when all she gets is that Hallmark Card, a box of stale chocolates (they don’t throw out last years heart shaped boxes) and the visa bill that shows he spent $110 on a dozen long stem roses that died in three days. Oh the joy of showing your love!!

Most of us think Jewelry is cliche as well, unless it’s quality. Honestly.  I don’t really need that $49 heart shaped pendant with the diamond chips in it.  That was fun when I was sixteen.  I love when V-day is marketed in an original way though and thought you might get a giggle out this too.

For me the key to a good Valentines is extra attention and TLC.  How about a hot bath, a nice glass of wine, my favorite music playing in the background, followed by a full body massage and maybe a decadent dessert?  We really are not that hard to please.  This year I asked we have an adventure and do something neither of us have done before. Something that will be fun and memorable, maybe include a degree of competiveness. Think, horseback riding, archery, shooting range, fights.  Boxing lessons on valentines? A  toothless smile will always remind you of the wonderful day you had together.

I’m excited because I know that we are going to be outrageous, have fun and laugh. My heart is full when he laughs (okay…a little corny isn’t so bad.)

Happy Valentines Day.

Not Tonight Honey?

Recently I read this book called “Just Do It”.

It’s a biography about a couple (married for 14 years) that go on a 101 day romp in the bedroom, or aka the “Sex Den”. Their story leads them to all kinds of adventures outside of the bedroom as well, but the thing that this book talks about most is about the connection that good sex can cause two people to share. How that physical connection automatically, not surprisingly, causes a person to become more emotionally connected to their partner.

I had a few AH HA! moments when reading. I laughed a lot. It’s very entertaining and funny. I love the visit to the porn convention, the intense yoga moves required for a few interludes, the crazy ashram antics and the bravery of both people to have an open mind and sense of adventure.

When my marriage broke down, one of the first things to go was the sex. There was no desire, no interest and it was work when it did happen, which wasn’t very often. I remember in the beginning it was pretty good, but as communication between us broke down, so did the sexplorations.

However, now that I have moved on to a new relationship, I wonder if I had put in more effort and shared more of my thoughts, if it could have been more of a glue to help seal the deal, so to speak. I just gave up after a while, literally. I didn’t put in the effort to go to bed at the same time, I rarely desired to cuddle and to be honest I would have rather read, watched TV or surfed the net. These were our bad habits and I got tired of talking about how unhappy I was. I got tired of trying. In the long run, I was simply with the wrong person for it to be fulfilling as I now know it can be.

I think it’s a big problem in today’s society. We have relationships for the wrong reasons and we settle in many ways or make excuses and say to ourselves “well sex just isn’t that important”. BUT IT IS!!!! Chemistry is a remarkable thing. I understand that now. My new love and I have a routine to a certain degree, bascially it being… we get into bed, wrap ourselves around each other and talk about whatever. Usually chemistry steps in and takes over from there. I get near him and I just want more and five mins beside me and he’s “happy”. I love his smell, his taste, his hair, his smile and his …well you know… his happiness.

I think it’s because we put in the effort everyday. Just a text or something nice said in a conversation, the foreplay leading up to the foreplay is exciting and fun as well. Most people get to caught up in life and we don’t take that required time to just be with our spouse, connecting in some form, whether it be just talking, cuddling or having sex. I think it’s pretty safe to say that a lot of people do the usual, “Goodnight” routine.

I can’t tell you how consumed I am with sex all the time. I want it the majority of the time, and find if for some reason it’s doesn’t work out the way I hoped, I’m genuinely disappointed or have sex twice the next day to make up for lost time. I’ve never experienced this kind of thinking. I’ve occasionally woken him up in the night to have my way with him because I want it. So far he’s not complaining, but I surprise myself.

I’ve spent a shitload of money on lingerie and pedicures. We have forayed into a few sex shops, looking for fun accoutraments and have a nicely matched sense of adventure. It’s good. It’s great! I can literally count on two hands the number of days we haven’t had sex in all the months we have been together. I’m being obnoxious now, I know, but haha look at me go world!! I think he would laugh hysterically if he ever read this.

Yet, I wonder, am I setting myself up for disaster? Eventually as time goes on and life has more of those moments where it’s only natural that we pursue our sexual interactions a little less, will I feel less secure in the relationship? How important is it? What is the right balance? It can’t be an all or nothing, or at least it shouldn’t be.

I can’t ever really remember having a relationship where I just wanted “more”. I’m not sure if there is some validility in the old age question whether we are well matched because we are at our sexual peaks (me being slightly older then him) or if it just simply has a lot to do with the “honeymoon” phase. I do know that is partially because he’s new and everything feels so different, but it’s the general bond we have with the other, so when the moment arrives at night, the house is quiet, the blankets are warm and his body is next to mine, we both often express how it is the “best part of the day”.

I hope that feeling of finally be satisfied and happy doesn’t go away. I think as I move forward with him and it goes from new to familiar, that my insecurities start to surface a little more. I know that I’m haunted from past experiences mostly and it is what we make it, but I don’t ever want another relationship where I say “Not Tonight Honey”, because part of being in love is the heat and passion that goes with showing that love to the other.

Maybe that’s the key to a relationship…not having excuses.

What If? Doubt Creeps In.

They say jealousy is an ugly monster, but I think doubt is the thing that can drive a person insane. 

I was just rereading my last post and can remember that day and how happy I felt and today I’m a little apprehensive that I put it out here.  Yet, I miss my old blog and the honesty that I had there, the positive reactions and support I had of people, the business of emptying my mind and being filled up with knowledge from others.

Things have progressively gotten more serious over the past few weeks. I”m in the final meetings of my divorce, settling things for the long haul and am suddenly feeling really nervous about making the right choices.  I feel pressure to let go of my old home and move onto a new one and I have a man in my life that really seems that he wants to create a new life with me. It scares the shit out of me. 

We have been looking at homes, talking about “contracts” to protect us both financially (my idea), and making plans for a future.  Here’s the catch, I’m beginning to feel if it doesn’t all work out immediately how he wants it too, then perhaps the realionship will fizzle out. Up until this point, I haven’t had these doubts, but now I’m suddenly overwhelmed by them.  I’m playing the “What If” game, with him, myself and our future. 

I fear that I’m pushing him away a little and he tries very hard to be reassuring and supportive. He just wants my divorce over and is sick of the hold it has on my life.  He hates the antics and drama my ex creates and that our future is somewhat reliant on the final outcome, or at least in terms of how quickly I can move forward and he’s losing patience all of sudden. It’s taking me by surprise and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. 

Some of it is my doubt. It hasn’t helped that I have expressed my fears about rushing into anything long term because I’m still so raw emotionally from all that has happened. It’s been unfair for him in some ways. He is not my ex, not even close and is ten times the man I could have hoped for, so why am I so scared?

He said to me recently, “I think your not used to someone treating you well and you have started to dwell on the little things that do go wrong and expect the worst.  You have been conditioned that way, but I’m not that guy.”

Fair enough, true in fact and part of me knows that the only way that I’m finally going to feel settled is when the papers are signed and time. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster with a man that said one thing and then did another for most of my life. I’m used to uncertainty and fear, emotional emptiness and being with a person who has little respect for others, choosing to live his life with out taking full accountability. I took it on, convinced that there was something wrong with me and that is the biggest doubt I am going to have to change.  I’m not sure I know how.

I want to move foward with this man, but wonder if all doesnt play out as he wants it to in the coming months I can’t help but wonder if  he will still be around. Is he having a relationship with me, because of me? He tells me he is, but if that was the case, then why the sudden onset of pressure that we need to live together in order to be a couple?

I know it’s partially about having a home and we have been dreaming and wishing a whole lot lately. I know that the travel back and forth on an almost daily basis is getting old for us both. It’s hard to adjust schedules and I have been trying to spend the majority of my time at his, but right now I need to be at mine to continue on with the process and finishing cleaning up the mess of the past.  Although he tries to be supportive, I can sense and feel that he is happier when he comes home to me, we can share dinner together, plan an evening, be domesticated.  His days are longer when he has to come to me, he doesn’t relax as much in my envirnoment because it the house I created with my ex and my ex has not finished clearing out all his stuff, refuses to in fact.  He’s kicking and screaming the whole way through the whole process, dragging things out, prolonging the inevitable and breaking all the agreements we have made.

This is the hard part and naturally it makes it harder for me to move forward. Not at all in the sense of an emotional connection, but in the sense that it’s just time consuming and draining, making the future sometimes a little more unsettling. It makes my new man feel like the old one is hanging on.

Yet, it’s precisely that reason taht I need to be home and force the situation, because I need it to be done in order to even consider starting a future with someone else. But now I worry, with the more time it takes and the more it takes out of me, the less I have to offer.

I have baggage, no doubt. Will I be able to trust in this wonderful person completely, or will some of those inherent feelings I have been conditioned to feel always be an issue? Is it too soon to consider such a big step in my life and will I be happy without this new person in it? I’m sure I would eventually, but I would rather not experience that loss. I love him a great deal, more than I thought I would or for that matter could.

Yet everyone tells me, don’t rush. Heal. Most relationships in this stage in the game are “growing realtionships”, not necessarily long terms ones. In other words “rebound”. Am I just on the rebound? I don’t think so. I can see, feel, taste the future with him and want to commit in so many ways. Doubt about relationships in general is what holds me back. My last one didn’t work, had a horrible ending and I’m still reeling from all of that. I am/was having faith, until this very moment.

My insecurity now comes from seeing the excitement and happiness this other person experiences when he’s with me. Crazy huh? My ex-husband had that same reaction in the beginning and I’m feeling a little like, but for how long? How long before things turn sour, resentments build, I become less desirable because the excitement of discovering “me” has worn off and it cycles through. Is it worth it? Should I be just worrying about myself right now? Having a stable home, creating a stable independent life, where I’m not responsible for someone else, or is it worth the risk?

I pray everyday that it is, but some of those days are accompanied by nausea and looking over my shoulder. How long before that goes away and what can I do to hang onto this wonderful thing I have found, without throwing it away because I’m scared?

Doubt has always been my biggest regret and it’s not a self fulfilling prophecy I want to create.

A New Year & Fresh Starts

It’s been a long time since I have had much to say. I went from this woman who spills her guts like the catch of the day at slaughter in a public market to someone that is just being at sea and able to swim.

I guess I grew quiet for a lot of reasons. I deleted my other blog because I simply needed to focus on my real life and with my divorce well on it’s way, being of the typical nature that divorces are; it has been down right debilitating at times. I didn’t have the energy or interest to talk about everything in my head anymore.

Last year was a tough year for me, yet an exciting one. I learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick as woman. That covered a wide range of categories, from opening up sexually and being able to talk about that side of myself to also learning to really being alone and self sufficient. I learned how to face some of my fears and have pride in my strengths. I also learned how to open my heart and my mind and to try trust men in general.

It’s was baby steps some days and other days I was like a toddler gone wild, stumbling into all kinds of situations and predicaments, tripping over myself, landing face first, crying out loud, having someone one giving me hand up or an encouraging word until I was well on my way to bumping along on the journey again. I have enormous gratitude for new found male friendships and those guys that are just decent guys, and I even have a little respect for the ones that hurt me a little or made me think twice about how I was feeling.

It all resulted in my ending a few relationships and embarking on something new and unimaginable. I dabbled and dated and then I suddenly found myself in one of the first equal partner relationships I have ever had. I like to believe that it’s because I have grown and changed and that I’m perhaps attracted to a new type of man, but deep down I know he’s the kind of person I’ve always wanted in my life.

If you asked me to describe him…first thing I would say is that he’s stable in all descriptions of the word. He’s a nice balance of Alpha Dog (a rugged boy’s boy who appreciates being a guy) with a high regard and respect for women. He is the kind of guy that notices a sunset that is stunning, talks to his mom at least a few times a week, takes pride when a man smiles at his woman, buys flowers because they are “pretty” and isn’t afraid to say “are you ok”?  to a perfect stranger. I’ve witnessed him help out someone when no else will and he works hard, taking his commitments seriously. He isn’t afraid to be risky and adventurous and stand up to someone who needs to be stood up to.

He likes to be taken care of, even demands it in a subtle way, which to me just shows that he has a sense of self and worth, but is very generous and has the sensitivity and common sense to take care of others without being controlling. I’ve never been so independent in a relationship or felt so worshipped. If I had to describe what makes this different then any other thing I have experienced is that there is genuine mutual admiration. We conduct our relationship as positively as possible, even when we disagree. We don’t hurl accusations or demean the other and we make a point of paying attention to the things that draw us to the other. Yes, it’s new, but so far, everyday has been about making the other person feel good and valued; having a friendship, first and foremost.  It’s a good start.

The physical chemistry doesn’t hurt.  It’s the first relationship I have ever had where it’s been consistent sexual attraction and there have been very few days in the many months that we have been together that doesn’t include some kind of sexual interaction.  I did learn after being in relationships where sex was an achievement rather than a natural state of being with someone that it makes a Huge difference in your level of happiness.

Biologically, we function better when our hormones are in balance and I don’t doubt that I’m a much calmer, serene person because I’m getting my basic primative needs met. People joke and tease and we make fun that he’s my “boytoy” (We are both in our thirties and I’ve just got a little more experience in this age bracket) , because we are so hot and heavy and it won’t always be that way. I agree, it probably wont, but we are definitely well matched in that arena and we both know that it’s an important part of who we are together and as individuals. It’s a conscious choice to keep that intact and healthy and you really do love someone more intensly when you feel wanted and not just needed by them.

When I first decided to officially date a younger man, my attitude was pretty casual, and that I was just going to sow a few wild oats and being a nutty divorcee. Afterall, it was expected of someone like me and I had apparently reached “cougar” status unwittingly and unknowingly. It was bizzare to have 22 year olds asking me out and trying to get me to call them. It was even more bizarre to not really have any interest in men my age that wanted to settle down and start a family ASAP. You would think that having had the so called “security” of a long term marriage that I would be a willing candidate to find something similiar in nature.

I thought I would just take my time, act out some fantisies and have some fun until something substanial came along and only then when I was interested and had stuff planned out. Hardy har ha. Life does not work according to your own agenda. Instead, some very major life changes happened in between all those tuss and tumble sessions with my new man and I think partially because we are so intimate, we are able to be open emotionally to the other. I’ve never had this honest of a relationship.

I’ve come to realize that it really is the simple things that make life nicer, those are things that should never be taken for granted and at times it’s almost awkward for me because I have been conditioned, after spending the majority of my life with the same person, to expect a certain reaction.

So entering a more serious commitment has not been without trepidition on my part, but now I’m not as afraid or uncertain when we talk about building a future together. We live together for the most part in two homes, both of us adjusting our schedules and commitments to be at one or the other’s house together everyday. It works quite nicely, is a little tiring at times, and naturally we have  discussed the option of  moving in together,  but I have the freedom to take my time and he’s not going anywhere. I have found that I still have hope, even with having a difficult divorce and dealing with affairs, that people belong together.

It’s ok to be alone, necessary at times, but it’s ok to want someone to love us and accept us for who we are and we never get those things if we don’t learn to let go of pain, resentment and hurt. As corny as it sounds, you have to have faith. The biggest reason I don’t leap to quickly is not because I haven’t had enough time to heal, but it’s because I know I can take my time and that feels right for me.

I used to always feel like I was running out of time. That I had to move,  react, or just do something different, but as the movie “The curious case of Benjanim Button” sums it up…nothing lasts forever and you never know what might be waiting. So, I’ve literally been just letting go of all my preconcieved ideas of what should and should not be and watching what happens.

I find myself at such a different place then one year ago, I’m finding that I can evolve. Maybe we never really know who we are completely but just adapt out of survivial, need and want. Maybe that’s how we start each day and each year, then we look back and say this is who I was and tell stories that are worth telling because those stories are the things that keep us all connected. Not one event defines you, but all of them together make you who you are.

So I start of this new year…hopeful and full of possibilities.

A New Beginning

If your a new reader to my writing, then what I may rant about here may make no sense to you. But welcome to a little corner of my brain.

I’m not officially a new blogger, yet I seem to be a total nitwit when it comes to setting up this new blog, so please bear with me as I figure out the glitches and add posts from my previous blog.

I don’t intend to keep my other blog, for those of you that are old friends. It’s not because I don’t cherish all the things that it brought me and all the wonderful friends and comments, but because I originally started that as an outlet for all kinds of things and as the saying goes… when one door closes another must open. It’s time for a change.

So this is my window, a place to poke my head out and breath in some new life and some fresh air. This is a place that I will talk about what crazy antics and other thoughts are happening or taking place in my life. A place where I will write a lot more fictional, a little less dramatic and emotional –  hopefully ,  but with still the same passion and intent of clearing my mind.

Thanks for reading.

A Way With Words

The way to a woman is with words…at least this woman. I am seduced and intoxciated by the way he talks to me. It is our conversations that move me, change me and sink into my soul, making love to me deeper than any actual physical gesture

Combine that with flesh, blood, bone and breath…I’m totally lost within him, even if I don’t want to be.

THE CINNAMON PEELER
by Michael Ondaatje

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If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler’s wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
– your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers…

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women the grasscutter’s wife, the lime burner’s daughter. And you searched your arms for the missing perfume.

and knew
what good is it to be the lime burner’s daughter left with no trace as if not spoken to in an act of love as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler’s wife.

Smell me.

Anticipation

I wrote this over a year ago and used it as introduction on my first blog. I decided to add it here and will eventually post more of this type of writing.

When I look back on the words I wrote, I remember writing them from a place of sadness and hope, longing. Anticipation of things yet to come and remembering that sometimes anticipation can only last so long.

This new blog is about who I am as I heal, rebuild a new life and remain open to the posibilities of having that thrill of a discovery.

Anticipation

You know the kind…

Those kisses where your just about to touch lips. You can feel the persons breath and watch their mouth with your eyes; waiting waiting; then it’s soft, almost shy, lips brushing lips and she pulls back for a fraction of a second. You have to kiss her, you lean in, looking in her eyes and brushing your fingers along her cheek. She snakes her tongue out, licks her lips just slightly, then your kissing her, tasting her and she’s moaning softly, opening her mouth wider. Tongues dance, lips mash together, passion builds as things get more intense and hands start to explore.  

You crave, you taste and you roll with the ebb and flow of hormones. You grow harder, she grows softer and fabrics get pushed aside, blood rushes, hearts pound and desires consume. Urgency takes over and boundaries are abandoned. Flesh. It’s beautiful, it moves you and you gaze with wonderment at the curve of her breast, the redness of the inflamed nipple, the path to her female center just within your reach. She’s so open and wet, anticipating. 

You pull off the delicate lace panties and watch her watch you. The world no longer exists and yet it’s right here in front of you to take.  You are gentle, probing, exploring with your mouth and her skin gets hotter beneath your breath, she clings to you and then you are on your back and she is astride. 

Bliss, each stroke, each push and pull. You move together, then apart, then together and the need builds. Skin glistens with moisture. You catch glimpses of her long dark hair brushing against your chest and her head thrown back in lust. You listen to the sounds of the others pleasure as her gentle hands caress and intoxicate you. Together, you move closer to the edge…

That kind of Anticipation.